Used with permission from Carolyn S. Schroeder and Betty N. Gordon. 1996. Practitioners Corner: Helping Children Understand and Cope with Death. Clinical Child Psychology Newsletter. Fall, 1996: pages 4-6

Three components of a rational concept of death

A number of things a parent can do to help their children deal with death (from Schroeder & Gordon, 1996)

  1. Regardless of age, children can be told of a death with a simple statement that includes the following information: a) the person has died; b) this is very sad and it is OK for them to talk about how they feel; c) the person died because of something happened to his or her body; d) for younger children it should be explained that "dead" means that the body stops working; and e) that it is OK to ask questions about the death.
  2. Children should be told what will be happening in the days immediately following the death and exactly what will be expected of them. Let them know who will be taking care of them, when and where the funeral or memorial will be held, etc.
  3. There is no evidence of adverse effects when children are allowed to attend the funeral or memorial service. Funeral attendance may help the child make a good adjustment. If an open casket is part of the family's way of dealing with death, then allowing the child to view the body can be helpful in understanding the finality of death. It also gives the young child the opportunity to know where the body has gone and to say good-bye in a very concrete way. However, children should not be forced to attend the funeral, or view or touch the body if they prefer not to. It is best to ask the children if they wish to attend the funeral in a way that truly gives them a choice (e.g. "Some children want to go to the funeral and others do not. Which would you like to do?") It is also helpful if one person is designated to stay with the child during the funeral who will answer questions, handle the child's behavior and remove the child if necessary.
  4. Avoid the use of the terms such as "gone away", "passed on", "died in his sleep", or "left us" as these can be misinterpreted by children. It is best to talk about death as the body no longer working (it can no longer hear, see, breathe, feel, or know things.)
  5. Religious concepts can be confusing to young children unless they are presented in the context of ongoing religious experience and instruction. One way to explain death is that the spirit or what makes the person special is gone and the body no longer works (e.g. "Dad's spirit will always be with us in our thoughts and memories of him".)
  6. It is important to encourage the children to say "good-bye" to the deceased person in some way such as writing a letter, drawing a picture, placing flowers on the grave, etc. If the child views the body they may ask to kiss the body, say or wave "good-bye."
  7. Young children often misinterpret parents' expressions of emotion, typically blaming themselves for the parent's tears or anger. Thus, although it is appropriate for parents to express their grief in front of the child, it is important to provide an explanation (e.g. "I am crying because I am sad daddy died.")
  8. If a parent is unable to meet their children's needs because of their own grief, it is important for another adult to be responsible for the children until they are better able to function.
  9. It is important to prepare parents that their reactions to death may be different from their own. Young children cannot focus their attention on grief for long periods of time and may behave as if nothing happened. The child may laugh or play shortly after learning of the death. They may not yet understand the finality of death or it may be his or her way of handling an upsetting situation. Young children may play out death scenes or funerals as a way of gaining control over their fears and feelings. Although these activities seem may seem quite macabre from an adult's perspective, they are quite normal for children.
  10. It is important that people talk about the deceased person as things come up that remind them of him or her, especially the fun times or things they shared. If the child acts as if the deceased person is still alive (e.g. talking to grandma on the toy phone), it is important that the child's feelings be reflected ("I know you miss grandma a lot") but also to remind the child of the finality of death ("It is okay to pretend to talk to grandma on the telephone, but she is really dead and we can't talk to her anymore.")
  11. Changing the rules and expectations during times of family turmoil can be very unsettling for a child and can increase feelings of insecurity, thus expectations for appropriate behavior should be maintained. At the same time parents should be encouraged to recognize the child's underlying feelings ("I know you are upset that Mommy died, but I cannot let you hit your sister.")
  12. Return children to their normal routines as soon as possible after the death. It is important for the children to return to school or day care as soon as possible, within a few days at most. This reassures the child that life does indeed go on. It is helpful if someone informs the child's teacher about the death, so that he or she can be prepared to answer questions or help if the child becomes upset.
  13. Children often worry what will happen to them if their parents die. Parents should be encouraged to have specific plans and a will to insure that the plans be carried out. Children need to know that it is not likely that a parent will die but if they should, there are people who will take care of them.
  14. Books can be especially helpful for children who are dealing with the death of a loved one. One of our favorites is Lifetimes: the beautiful way to explain death to children. (Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. New York: Bantam Books, 1983) The central ideas of this beautifully illustrated book are that death is a natural part of life and that every living thing has a lifetime that is special. The text is very simple but appropriate for all ages.