BOX Q – REVISITED
Actually, Box Q was nothing more than a classified ad with an attitude. Yet it developed a personality and even quite a following. May I give you an example? Imagine reading this in the classified section of your local paper:
PERSONALS:
This is only an example. Sometimes they were better, many times they were worse, but never, never was Box Q your ordinary classified ad.
Box Q came to life in April of 1987. I use the words "came to life", because that’s pretty much how it seemed. Certainly, it was my idea in the beginning, and yes, it was my hand holding the pen when all those smart-aleck, greedy, irreverent comments came along, but since I have none of those attributes, Box Q must have developed them on its own. The most you could say about our relationship was that I created it, and Box Q tied itself closely to my work. Beyond that, I’m not responsible.
At that time, I worked for The Catron County Courier, a five-month old weekly newspaper. Catron County itself is the largest county in New Mexico, with one of the smaller county populations. The land area is almost 7000 square miles, and the population at that time was around 2500 residents, so that worked out to be almost three square miles per square person.
The stated intent of the paper’s owner and publisher, Arthur Tackman, was to simply provide a medium to gather information about happenings throughout the county and report them on a weekly basis. So there were reporters in each of the small towns, and the front page story or stories were just whatever happening seemed to be the biggest of the week. The big stories usually came from Reserve, because it was the county seat, but this was not always the case. It was, however, with the following story. This one, in fact, made national news.
One day, the sheriff called the Courier office and asked me to come over to the courthouse as he had a "press release" for me. I talked to the sheriff, then wrote the following story.
Come live with me and be my love.." It’s a beautiful, romantic idea, but you’d better not try it in Catron county unless you get married first.
Sheriff Vernon Mullins has informed the Courier staff of a little-known statute in the New Mexico Criminal Code that he intends to enforce in our county. The statute is 30-10-2 --- Unlawful Cohabitation, and reads as follows: Unlawful cohabitation consists of persons who are not married to each other cohabiting together as man and wife. Whoever commits unlawful cohabitation upon the first conviction shall only be warned by the judge to cease and desist such unlawful cohabitation. Whoever persists in committing the crime of unlawful cohabitation after being warned is guilty of a petty misdemeanor.
Sheriff Mullins says that all persons (which means both parties) charged with this offense will be cited into Magistrate Court, and after the warning received for the first offense, can face fines of up to $100 and the possibility of a day or so in jail for second and subsequent offenses.
The Sheriff says further that if there are children living in the home of the unmarried couple that have knowledge of the fact that the adults are not married the adults could be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor or Juvenile, which is a felony charge. This could lead, in some instances, to the children being removed from the home.
Sheriff Mullins says that as long as the law is on the books it is his duty to enforce it, and this statute, like all others "will be enforced according to law".
In case you didn’t know, New Mexico does not recognize common-law marriage.
It didn’t occur to us that there might be some amused attention directed toward our county because of the sheriff’s announcement, but then, we didn’t know that he was contacting other media representatives. So we went about doing business as usual.
As in most small newspaper offices, our jobs overlapped at times. We all did our share of proofreading and each of us was aware of the paper’s financial status.
The twenty-five cents that a reader paid for the Courier was not what kept the paper going or paid the bills. A newspaper’s bills and salaries are paid for by the ads, and we needed more of them.
The entire back page of the Courier was devoted to classified ads, but we had so few of them that we used several fillers and enlarged a few things just to cover all that blank space. The week after the cohabitation story appeared, I asked Art if I could put something in the classifieds just for fun. "Maybe if people read it, they’ll realize they should always read the classifieds because there might be something funny and they’ll see things for sale and buy them, and other people will realize that our classifieds work so we’ll sell a lot of them and be able to pay all the bills from revenue alone" (I’ll admit to sometimes getting a bit carried away). Art gave me his best put-down look and said "You’re nuts, but go ahead". So the first ad appeared under PERSONALS:
Well, nothing happened after that ad. We didn’t even hear any comments. So the next week I had to beg a little more, but convinced Art that if we kept it up for a few weeks, giving everyone a laugh, it would begin to work. Tammy Faye and Jim Baker were very prominent in the evangelism business at that time, so they were a natural target for Box Q. Under JOB OPPORTUNITY:
There was still no response the next week, but since the paper came out three days before Mother’s Day, Box Q became timely. FOR RENT:
At last the public began to comment. We heard little things like "Well, I guess I’ll have to rent a mom. I thought that was cute when I read it in the paper".
By now, Art had come to like Box Q, so there was no argument about the following, which was in response to the sexual scandal which had led to the resignation of Gary Hart as a presidential candidate. Under WANTED:
It was probably about this time that Box Q realized that the sky was the limit as far as it was concerned. It could assume any identity it wanted to --- no one was going to hold Box Q accountable. So it was rather like flexing it’s muscles when it tried to sound like George Bush in the following ad. NOTICE:
The previous ad also marked the time when Box Q first asked for money on a phony pretext. No money appeared, but it was obvious that Box Q could try any kind of scam that would fit in to a classified ad.
It began to look like Box Q was a success. Many people said it was the first thing they looked for when the paper was distributed on Thursdays. Others said they read the paper straight through from the beginning, and since Box Q was on the back page, they liked to end with the chuckle that it gave them..
Incidentally, there was agreement among the Courier staff to keep the identity of the writer of Box Q a secret. When asked, each of us replied that we couldn’t tell, so most people never knew where Box Q came from. Possibly, the fact that it wasn’t tied to another identity was what enabled Box Q to assume one of its own.
After the casual mention of contributions in the "presidential" Box Q, greed and envy began to appear in the ads. (Where could that have come from?)
The current event of the moment was that some person or organization had given a religious leader a brand-new luxury car, inspiring Box Q to write under WANTED:
The following week had a less-than-top-quality ad which will not be repeated here. Frankly, there were several of them, but they’ve been omitted as a courtesy to the reader.
The best part of this week was that we got a letter about the Mercedes request!
dear quasi-religious organization,
please git a short name with no capital letters so the salutation will be fast and easy to type.
Yore sincere and beautifully eloquent plea for contributions has touched my heart…….. and my head. Unfortunately, this very year, the i.r.s. has touched my heart first.
Be not dismayed, o ye of great emagination! For yore good deeds do not go unheeded. Yore reward shall be swift and great!
The mercedes is in the mail…..
sin cerely
yore devoted devotee
p.s. I know who you r. and where you live.
Box Q was delighted.
So by now it was mid June, which brought a few problems. WANTED:
The next week, we had the following in Letters to the Editor:
Dear Editor,
I am writing in reply to an ad in the Catron County Courier for a "Grasshopper Stomper". My qualifications are stomping out a large forest fire in northern Oregon and Montana when all other methods failed.
I was deemed "Official Rattlesnake Stomper" which requires great mental skill and large heavy feet in Big Bend National Park, 1979-1982.
So, having stomped out half of Oregon and Montana, and stomping rattlesnakes from Lajitas to Terlingua, as well as having very large size 10 & 1/2 feet, I may well be overqualified for simply stomping grasshoppers. However, I await your reply with great and eager anticipation (I need the money).
Sincerely,
Duane "Big Foot" Rowland
Reserve area
P.S. My innate sense of modesty would ordinarily preclude any publication of this missive. However, the citizens of Catron county need to be aware that DELIVERANCE is at hand. You may, therefore, let them know that their hero stands ready.
Box Q loved the letter, because that’s really what it was all about, but was starting to get grouchy because the Mercedes had not yet arrived. So, in an attempt to hurry it up, placed the following SEMI-LEGAL NOTICE:
The semi-legal threat worked, and the following week Box Q received a shiny black Mercedes. Unfortunately, it was made by Matchbox.
July 2nd WANTED:
And we got another letter.
Dear Box Q,
Did you get extra applicants for your hopper stompers? If so, could you refer them to me? I don’t have hoppers, I have wooly worms. I promise to teach each applicant a new dance. Starting with the left foot -- one-two-three-- then with the right foot -- rub back and forth along the ground and rub out the wooly worms. It is called the Wooly Worm Rub.
Seriously, Vernoma Brannon
Quemado, NM
Since the idea of Box Q was to draw attention to the classifieds, and to make the reader have to look through them to find it, it was time for a different classification. So this was next, under
FOR RENT:
The following week’s Box Q was not an all-time favorite either.
Thank Heavens the public came through to make things funnier, as we got the following delightful letter:
Dear Editor,
In your July 2nd issue, "Starving Trapper" offered to trade small pelt for a tasty rock soup recipe. "Starving Trapper" complained that conventional rock ingredients result in a flat soup.
I am a very experienced rock soup maker. My rock soup was also flat until I found "the flavor secret".
Would "Starving Trapper" be willing to trade a large pelt for a flavorful rock soup recipe? (This recipe is more of a stew)
ROCK ELEPHANT STEW
1 elephant (medium) 2 rabbits
2 tons rocks (round) salt and pepper to taste
lots of brown gravy
Cut elephant into small bite-size pieces. This will take about 2 months. Reserve the trunk as you will need something to store the pieces in. Add rocks (be sure they are round as this keeps the stew from being flat) and gravy to cover and cook for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees. This will serve about 3,800 people, but if more are expected the two rabbits may be added. Do this only if necessary as most people don’t like hare in their stew.
Sincerely,
Patsy Vaughan
The following week, for some forgotten reason, there was no Box Q in the paper. And we got complaints! Loved it.
The big story during the last week of July actually was rather big, as it was announced that Garrey Carruthers, the Republican Governor of New Mexico, was going to visit Catron county. Box Q put in this ad under PERSONALS:
Unfortunately, no offers were forthcoming. So the following week, there was a request for something a little more common. Under WANTED:
That didn’t get any response either, although I know, personally, there are many knee-pads in Catron county.
Somehow, the following week inspired Box Q to present a longer ad, and one that would become a favorite. PERSONALS:
The public seemed to enjoy the idea of a place for all us grouches to air our complaints as much as we at the Courier office did. So it became a theme we returned to several times.
The following week it was time for an ad under WANTED:
Within just a few days, we had a couple of letters. Here's the first:
Dear Box Q,
Please tell the backwoods family I know how to make ice
and will go for the trade. Meet by the hollow stump near
Negrito at midnight. They should bring a sample and
I'll bring a sample.
Thirsty
and the second:
Dear Box Q,
I was quite interested in attending the Griper's Anonymous meeting on September 31st but I can't attend the dam meeting as I have to work! (I always have to work on Sept. 31st) Why don't you hold it closer to town -- say in the local pub where it would be closer to where I work? I could even throw in a couple more interesting topics, like teenage kids and greedy banks. Also, I'm sure if you hold it in the local pub you may find quite a few more gripers who are willing to contribute their ten cents worth (inflation, ya know). Since I don't want my kids to know I'm such a grouch, please sign me...
Picklepuss
There was no way that this last suggestion could even be considered as changing the location would have ruined the dam meeting.
One of the American evangelists was at it again, and there was a lot of publicity about a Florida "retreat" where persons who contributed large amounts of money could stay overnight in this resort which was for Christians only. So of course, Box Q had to carry it just a little bit further.
INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY:
Unfortunately, no one fell for this one, so Box Q decided to do something a bit more altruistic.
PUBLIC NOTICE:
Enough altruism! It was time to try for some bucks again
FOR SALE:.
The next week’s ad was under WANTED:
Next week PUBLIC NOTICE:
Another WANTED:
And now we had reached the month of October. Box Q somehow knew that this month would be a fun one, so it started out with an ad under SERVICES:
The following week we did a LOST AND FOUND:
And of course, we couldn’t forget baseball. SPECIAL OFFER:
At last we’d worked our way to Halloween, when the following story was investigated as legitimate news, but finally deteriorated to the following: Entitled CREATURE FROM THE BOG, it was intended to terrify.
Some of the following is true. The rest is at least, well, questionable. It began, as all scary stories do, quite reasonably.
On Sunday, October 18th, the Sheriff’s office received a call saying that a man who was then at a service station in Luna had seen some unusual footprints and wanted to report them to the authorities. The dispatcher on duty called the service station and spoke to the man, who is reportedly a trapper, and therefore knowledgeable about animal tracks. The man reported the tracks as being like those of a human foot, approximately eight inches long, and three to four inches wide. The unusual part is that there were only four toes, and bears, like humans have five. While in the area, the man heard a noise like a combination of a growl and scream, which he swore was not an elk bugling. The man wanted someone from Game & Fish to meet with him to examine the tracks. Unfortunately, our Game and Fish officer was busy elsewhere. ( This sort of thing always happens in scary stories, too). The footprints were seen east of Black Gap, which is near Centerfire Bog -- a most appropriately named place for housing a strange creature. Another call to the Sheriff’s office conveyed the information that two ranchers in the Luna area reported seeing something walking upright which they could not identify.
By Monday, the story had been heard around both Luna and Reserve. Depending on who you talked to, the following information was given as fact, and who are we to say it might not be true? The creature was a Sasquatch or Bigfoot, and 12 to 13 feet tall. The footprints were "bigger than a tire track" and were guessed to be at least 20 inches long. The animal (?) has long, black hair and leaves a very bad odor wherever it has been. There were even those who said the creature shoots fire out of its eyes. Some folks told of how it chased a Forest Service person down a road, beating on his pickup. "Not so" said others, "It’s been known for forty years that there are werewolves near Luna. The locals just won’t talk about it".
On Tuesday another person from Luna called the Sheriff’s office to report seeing tracks which indicated something had crossed a road, so three brave and foolhardy individuals from the Sheriff’s office went to Luna to meet the person and attempt to track whatever it was that was out there. They found four or five prints, and one of these persons (obviously with little imagination) reported that they looked like bear tracks.
Wednesday morning, a Luna hero took his dogs to the area, where the dogs responded to the scent of a bear. The bear was tracked down and killed. This was a nice-sized black bear, so designated even though the hair was reddish brown. The bear was about six feet tall (Hey, that ain’t twelve!) and weighed around four hundred pounds. The trapper who had seen the original prints was reportedly not satisfied that they had been made by the bear.
Have we been saved? Yes, there is one less bear near Luna, but is there still an unknown creature lurking in the woods? We would suggest that you look over your shoulder frequently if you’re in the forest near Luna. And we’ve further been told that the creature has a special fondness for redheads ---raw!
A sidebar adjoining the article gave the following:
SURVIVAL TIPS FOR A BIGFOOT ENCOUNTER
So all of the above was background for the SPECIAL OFFER made by Box Q that Halloween.