And then we hit the big time:
In the January 24, 1989 edition of the Albuquerque Journal, in the Jim Arnholz column for that weekend, he wrote:
WEEK AFTER WEEK BOX Q IS CLASSIFIED
So there I am, perusing the classified ads of the Catron County Courier, when I come across my first Box Q in all it’s heavy, black, bold-faced glory.
CONTRIBUTIONS SOLICITED
HOW’S THIS FOR SOUNDING SINCERE AND TRUSTWORTHY? Box Q is soliciting funds to assist in buying heaters to keep the northern waters of the world unfrozen, thereby eliminating the possibility of any more whales being trapped by the ice. That many gallons of water will require very large heaters, so we need all the money we can get. We also accept pennies from school children. Send everything you have to Box Q.
It just so happened that I had several editions of the weekly Catron County Courier. So I turned to the classified ads in another paper. There was another Box Q.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION FROM BOX Q
Box Q hereby promises that in the upcoming year it will no longer come up with promotional schemes to try to fleece readers out of their hard-earned money. From now on, if you read it here, it’s legit, and you can feel confident about sending cash --- no checks. Trust us. P.S. Happy New Year.
I have read many newspapers in my time. I have read many classified ads in my time. I have never seen anything like this.
So I called Arthur Tackman, one of the editors and publishers (the other editor and publisher is his wife, Mary). I told him I had a question: What is going on here?
"Well, it was just an idea one of our key reporting people had that’s caught on pretty well," he said.
Who writes these things?
"That’s a secret".
It’s not a classified ad?
(Big laugh) "Oh, my goodness, no."
A CHRISTMAS POEM
BOX Q is as glad as can be
With presents all under my tree
You guys never share
So to prove I don’t care
I bought lots of real stuff --- for me!
"It started from the very beginning two years ago last Dec. 7, when we began the paper," he said. "This key person said we ought to have something humorous from week to week. We don’t have cartoons or anything like that. The reader response has been amazing. When people send in their subscriptions, they write notes that say "Keep Box Q!"
"On that Box Q piece that had to do with submitting funds, I thought, oh gosh, somebody might actually send money and then we’d be in trouble. But so far only a person from Florida did. She sent in a peso. She Scotch-taped it to a note that said it was to help bring home the penguin team."
The penguin team?
Oh that was another Box Q about forming a penguin team for Catron County."
I’m sorry I missed that one.
THE HEAD GROUCH is calling a meeting of Grouches Anonymous on whatever day the rest of you creeps can get it together. People are still smiling about election results, Happy Thanksgivings, and now it’s time for the deck-the-halls bit. Let’s discuss taxes, the price of anti-freeze, the Forest Service and Dan Quayle. That oughta keep us properly grumpy. Arrange meeting through Box Q.
The Box Qs don’t always carry the heading "Box Q" in the classified section. So sometimes you have to hunt around to find it. Which is the whole commercial idea.
"We never dreamed we’d get the response we have," he said. "Actually, another reason we did it was to get people to read the classifieds."
This is the kind of thing you’d expect from a crafty, veteran newspaper editor and publisher, and while Arthur and Mary Tackman might be crafty, they aren’t veterans.
"Catron County is a very large, rural community," he said. "It’s not accustomed to having a newspaper. We’ve been here about 17 years. We have a cattle ranch over near Glenwood. We found that people in one part of the county didn’t know what was happening in another part of the county. The county hadn’t had a newspaper since 1958. So we began one. We’d never been in the newspaper business before. And if I had known …." (another laugh)
PERSONALS
BOX Q wishes you all a Happy Thanksgiving, you turkeys!
Week in and week out, Box Q is there on the classified page of the Catron County Courier. I have never seen anything like it.
But, having found out what it is, why it is, and when it started, I was left with one other logical question, so I asked it: Why is it called Box Q?
"Well," he said, pausing to reflect a moment, "you got me. It just is."
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Reading that column was awfully special for me and for our newspaper.
The next week under MISCELLANEOUS:
Box Q finds it hard to be funny --- We’ve done it for two years now, honey. --- The things that are fun -- Have mostly been done. --- So here’s a solution --- Send money.
We used the HELP WANTED section the following week.
COOK/HOUSEKEEPER WANTED. Brand-new bride needs assistance in learning to manage household. Bride has passing acquaintance with cleaning techniques, but admits to being lost in kitchen. Need motherly type through learning period. Especially need help with salt shakers, as have found it takes so long to fill one through those little bitty holes. Apply through Box Q.
And the best part of that week was the following (paid-for) ad under PERSONALS:
DEAR BOX Q:
For two years we’ve put up --- With cantankerous fuss. --- The money you want --- Should be given to us. SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO REDHEADS
and even a second paid ad the following week:
TO BOX Q
Running short on humor --- But here’s your money. --- Just don’t blame me --- If it turns out phony-funny, Honey!
A. to Mr. Z (Enclosed was a fake $100 bill, which we ran a picture of)
We had an interesting Box Q that week under SERVICES OFFERED
ENHANCE YOUR IMAGE. Do people think you lead a dull, drab life? Box Q’s Rent a Garbage-Can Plan can help. Now you can convince people that you lead a secret exciting life without saying a word. We offer custom garbage to fit the image you want to project. Standard "Wealthy in the Wintertime" can is topped with crab legs, caviar jars, whipped cream cartons, strawberry tops and vintage champagne bottles (optional). Our "Loved on Valentine’s Day" package includes dozens of mushy cards, empty chocolate boxes, and wilted roses. Whatever you want neighbors and guests to think about you, we can project --- and one strategically placed garbage-can can say a lot. Prices on request.
All the action was under PERSONALS the following week.
TO BOX Q:
You may be a "Cutie La Fem" --- Or one of those "Gentle-men" --- Makes no difference to me --- Just stay on the "Q-T" --- Your beauty is in your pen.
A. to Mr. Z
followed by
TO BOX Q:
Money - Money - Money --- That’s all you think about. Remember the best things in life are free. Send SASE + $10.00 postage and handling for list of same.
Your local Savings and Loan Assoc.
which, in turn, was followed by
AT LAST! BOX Q has arrived at a fool-proof method for determining whether or not you must clean house. Look around --- when you feel that if the Board of Health should drop in for a surprise visit --- and if you think they would not negotiate, but would demand that the house be burned and the ashes buried --- then it’s probably time to clean.
Then we had a FOR RENT:
Response to our Rent a Garbage-Can Plan was so great, Box Q is now offering Wonderful Wastebasket Wentals for those of you that can’t afford a whole garbage-can. Same customized offerings. Did we mention our important "Wheeler-Dealer" package? Top of basket shows envelope from Swiss Bank, tip of telegram, memos from important national political figures (your choice of party), and multiple requests for speaking engagements. ACT NOW! Let your trash make a positive statement about your life.
And just when things were going so well for Box Q, I quit my job at the newspaper.
It came about in such a stupid way. I had written an article about the county road crew up-grading a private road which served two landowners near Reserve at a cost estimated to be near $5000. I had written the article because of three or more phone calls to me at the Courier office, telling me what was being done, and that it should be investigated The county policy was understood to be that if a private road served three or more families, the road crew would maintain that road by grading or whatever was necessary.
The reason I was asked to look into it was because I was the one that wrote all "controversial" articles. These included, on a regular basis, reports on the County Commission meetings, where they violated "The Open Meetings Act" (state law) by going into closed session frequently, without the criteria necessary for them to do so. They hired county employees without advertising the openings so that only the "favored few" had an opportunity to apply for those jobs. At the other end of the employment spectrum, they illegally terminated county employees who incurred their displeasure. They did a lot of good things, too, and I reported it all, as fairly and accurately as I could. But not only were the residents of Catron county not used to a newspaper, they really weren’t used to anyone openly criticizing an elected official. There was always plenty of criticism, but it was verbal, and never said in the presence of the official or any relatives thereof. And most residents have an awful lot of relatives.
The Courier had received several letters to the editor accusing me of lying about the Commissioner’s actions. While the letters were disturbing, I did my best to ignore them and continue reporting all actions of the County Commission.
In the article about the road up-grading, I said "No criticism is intended nor implied of the private land owners, nor the county road crew. What is at fault is the county road policy, or lack of same." I was therefore quite surprised when the Courier received a well-written letter from one of the landowners served by the road in which I was accused of being unobjective, dishonest, having ulterior motives, and no ethics. Had the letter been poorly written (as most of them were), it wouldn’t have bothered me so much. Still, one more critical letter was not going to change anything, but prior to writing anything for the following week, Mary Tackman, Art’s wife, told me that Art was going to write an editorial comment supportive of me. I was delighted that support would be in print, as well as the previous letter. For some forgotten reason, I decided not to write anything more until I had seen that editorial. There was none. Nor was there for the following two weeks. We received letters of support from the general public, but the boss was silent.
Here was a classic case of two stubborn people being at loggerheads. It was Art’s own idea to write the editorial, but when he forgot to do so the first week and was reminded (by Mary) the second and third weeks, he chose not to do it because it was expected. For my part, I felt that living with being disliked by some people (and down-right despised by a few more) was because I wrote for Art’s paper, and he could damn well support me publicly, as he did in private.
I didn’t want to quit. I loved writing for the paper, and additionally, although I was only paid $50 per week, we needed the extra $200 it brought in every month. I would not, however, continue to work for a man who would not even write a short paragraph in my defense.
Art didn’t want me to quit, and really didn’t think that I would. Even after I had done so, when asked about it, he’d say "Oh, she’ll be back".
But he was wrong, and I never worked for the Courier again.
So back to what this story is really about:
I had left a few extra Box Qs at the Courier, to be used anytime I wasn’t around to write a new one. So that’s what they did for the next few weeks. MISCELLANEOUS :
A WINTER LIMERICK FROM BOX Q When gardens have all gone to bed --- An earthworm might rather be dead --- If the ground is all froze --- He can’t wiggle his toes --- And each way he scoots bumps his head.
PUBLIC SERVICE:
BOX Q has devised guidelines for dealing with strangers. If they look funny, -- nod, but don’t speak first. If they look OK, but talk funny, -- indicate you have a hearing problem. If, however, they are "rank strangers", -- put a clothespin on your nose and avoid those stinky people.
ENTERTAINMENT:
Enjoy a live performance by THE BEETLES. Not on film, tape or records, but LIVE AND IN PERSON. They crawl, roll over, and wiggle their antennae. First performance scheduled for April 4th on our little patch of sidewalk in Reserve --- matinee only. Catch their act before they leave on their national tour. Imagine! You can tell your grandchildren "I saw The Beetles when they were just getting started". Tickets available through Box Q box office.
SERVICES:
NEED A RESUME? THE BOX Q TYPING SERVICE can help. Not only do we type ‘em, we’ll tell any lie you want. We supply diplomas, certificates, or any other required documentation. Our world-wide network is at your service to provide glowing comments when they check your references. Now there’s no excuse for not landing a job. We’ll get you in, and you can fake it from there. Documentation in medical field slightly higher.
Then the Courier was out of Box Qs. But I, in the meantime had been busy. I managed to get Box Q registered as a Trademark with the state of New Mexico and had an attorney friend draw up a contract that I hoped to use if I could interest other small newspapers in buying Box Q ads. For a series of four ads, I wanted $10. The dollar amount was small, but I hoped there would be a lot of volume. The Courier was my first customer.
PERSONALS:
THE BOX Q DEPARTMENT OF THEOLOGICAL STUDY has considered that portion of Ecclesiastes 3:20 which reads "all are of the dust, and all return to dust again". We accept this as ultimate truth, but wonder why people in transition rest on our lampshades.
HOUSEHOLD HINTS:
If house guests are staying too long, sprinkle ants in their bed. For a jiffy dinner entree, fry an intact head of lettuce. Try "Elmer’s" as a toothpaste substitute. If the dog throws up, leave it. It’s very unpleasant to deal with. To make your hair shine, rinse with Windex. Fit all small children in mittens. That way they don’t leave fingerprints. Dry out and sew used tea bags together to make dolly quilts. BOX Q
WANTED:
BOX Q is considering going into the junk business, and would like to offer unusual items to its potential customers. So we’ll buy some of these items from you! We are now soliciting: used toothpicks, spider webs, cockleburs, banana peels, broken shoe-laces (both parts), olive pits, oven cleaning scrapings, dead beetles, and broken fingernails (red only). Now is the time to sell your treasured collection of any one of these items for top $$. Contact BOX Q for current price being paid.
MORE HOUSEHOLD HINTS:
Tired of vacuuming? Hire an anteater to slurp the dirt off your floor. If you permit only short people to come in your house, you don’t have to wash the top of the refrigerator. Inexpensive Christmas gift: save all the bones from a boiled chicken, and give it to the children as a puzzle. Throw in an extra thigh-bone --- it’ll drive ‘em nuts! Stir-frying Jell-O is seldom successful. These wonderful suggestions have been brought to you by BOX Q.
WANTED:
HIT-MAN WANTED. BOX Q is tired of dealing with redheads, especially since they’ve started fighting back. Am seeking hit-man who will dispatch in a kind and gentle manner. Willing to pay reasonable fee (up to five bucks per r.h.), but insist on quantity discount. Contributions will be accepted from others wishing to rid mankind of this blight.
SERVICES:
CAN’T LIE WORTH A DARN? BOX Q can help! Our Board of Human Interaction Analyses has recently determined that lying is a social skill, and those of you who are not proficient have not had adequate practice. Everyone needs to be able to pull off a little one ("I was just going to call you"), so --- for a fee --- we’ll help you develop your skills, using us as a sounding board. Bona-fide offer. Trust us.
And then Box Q got a wonderful letter postmarked in Austin, Texas!
Dear Box Q:
At last someone other than myself has realized that redheads should become extinct! However, there are stiff penalties for solicitation of so-called hitpersons. A better solution could be the purchase of a far away island near the Indian Ocean whereby these "blights" could be transported. On this tropical island they would be subject to higher rates of skin cancer, over-production of Vitamin D would result in kidney failure, in-breeding would result in a significant increase of mental retardation, and of course given their general temperament they would most likely kill each other off within several years.
Appreciating this fine cause, please accept my limited donation. You may use it as you see fit (i.e., transportation costs, land purchase, or if you feel benevolent, sunscreen).
Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
C. S. Citizen (Corn Sern Citizen)
Enclosed was a Mexican coin worth 100 centavos.
This letter was printed in the paper along with a paid ad under PERSONALS:
BOX Q:
Your dislike of redheads, --- And telling us so, --- Makes us feel unwanted --- And really quite low. --- If you’d just get to know us --- More intimately, --- You’d see what real great folks --- We mostly can be. S.F.T.P.O.C.T.R.
Box Q’s contribution that week was in the nature of a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
BOX Q broke the code of the secret language in the gift of flowers. It’s in the first syllable of their names, with the exception of Hyacinth which uses two syllables to express it’s universal friendliness. Flowers given to a female by a male translate thusly: Dogwood – he does not think you’re gorgeous. Tulips – buy a tube of Close-up and be prepared. Lilac – how come I’ve never heard of this sick friend? Pansy – remove thyself to the kitchen, woman. (To be continued)
The following week:
TO CONTINUE WITH BOX Q’s translation of the code of flowers wherein the meaning is contained in the first syllable of the name: From her to him ---Marigold – Shall we have a large ceremony or just family? Poppy – the rabbit died. Nasturtium – you are unspeakably vile. Carnation – the dealer opens at nine. And anyone who receives Crocus gets the ultimate "Drop dead!".
But there was also that week a paid ad under PERSONALS:
BOX Q: YOUR IDEA turned out wonderfully. The island for redheads became a favorite vacation retreat for multi-millionaires. When they heard about the collection of redheaded pulchritude, they flocked there by the score. (Some even dyed their hair to match) We are raking in a tidy profit from the high-rise condominiums, golf course, private aviation service, viewing the volcano (naturally called "Redtop"), fishing boats, luxury yachts, etc. S.F.T.P.O.C.T.R.
See why Box Q doesn’t like redheads? The ads they write are too good.
The next ad was under FOR SALE:
THE BOX Q PSYCHOLOGICAL RESEARCH DEPARTMENT has determined that people who live in pink houses are usually wimps. If the house is green, they’re frustrated farmers and probably have dirt under their fingernails. Yellow house occupants are cowardly; and if the house is brown, they’re lazy and chose the color so they wouldn’t have to clean. People in blue houses are inclined to moodiness, but people in white houses are Presidents. By sheer coincidence, Box Q has purchased two ship-tanker loads of white paint and will sell it to you for .72 cents per gallon. Bring your own dipper.
Followed by a SEMI-PUBLIC NOTICE;
OK REDHEADS --- BOX Q has had it with you! We’ve tried to spare your feelings about what is the most repulsive thing about you --- but no more. It isn’t your hideous hair color, it’s your yucky hides. Brown is OK, white is OK --- but having both --- in little splotches --- puts you on a par with Dalmatians, Pandas, Appaloosas, Zebras and Stink bugs. Besides, the island is sinking.
PERSONALS:
BOX Q recently threw its bike away, and then got a new one. Does that mean that Box Q has been recycled? If so, why didn’t they take out the wrinkles?
And then FOR RENT:
At LAST! THE BOX Q DEPARTMENT OF SCIENTIFIC WEIGHT CONTROL has devised the ultimate way to shed pounds without missing a single bite! Register now for our "Rent a Tapeworm Program". You simply swallow a male tapeworm and continue to pig out. The tapeworm hangs around in your tummy, and absorbs all the calories from your indulgences. When you’ve lost enough lard, we lure the tapeworm out by holding an attractive female t.w. in front of your open mouth. This program really works. Take advantage of our introductory rates --- only $73.50 per week. Write for details.
The following week there was a paid classified ad answer to the previous offer. It read:
ATTN: BOX Q, DEPT. OF SCIENTIFIC WEIGHT CONTROL. At long last!!! A sensible and sure way to lose weight!!! Having tried every diet ever heard of and a few that weren’t, I am writing you for details. 1) What color are the tapeworms? 2) Do they come in different flavors and sizes? 3) If I get one with no appetite or one who doesn’t like the same food as I do, can I exchange him? 4) How much weight can I expect to lose per week? Please rush your answers. Ima Blimp, Box PDQ
And at this time, early July, 1989, I submitted the final four Box Q ads to the Courier.
I had obtained the name and address of each small newspaper in New Mexico, and had done my best to sell them on the idea of trying Box Q ads, but with only one other taker besides the Courier, it was obvious that it wasn’t gonna work. So here’s the final four.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS:
WHAT THE SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH YOU MEMBERS OF GROUCHES ANONYMOUS? Not one of you showed up for the last dam meeting. The Head Grouch waited for 3 hours by the dam, and finally gave up. This is the last straw! No more dam meetings will be called. And who in the heck is Sam Hill anyway? Box Q
PERSONALS:
DEAR MS BLIMP, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR INQUIRY: 1) Tapeworms are normally gray; for pink, it’s .10 cents extra. 2) We offer two flavors: scotch and duck. They are quite small going in. Coming out, they’re big muthuhs. 3) Don’t worry about getting a persnickity tapeworm --- they’re eating machines. Just think of the little guy in your tummy as "Deep Throat". 4) Your weight loss will be in direct proportion to how much you eat. The more you eat, the more you lose. Please rush your money to BOX Q.
MISCELLANEOUS:
THE BOX Q SCIENTIFIC LABS are currently working on perfecting American flags that can’t be burned, sewed onto britches, or handled in any disrespectful manner. Reason: they’re made of tiny glass slivers, and can’t even be handled. As soon as we figure out how to fold them, they’ll be offered for sale. Watch this space for details.
SUMMERTIME LIMERICK Thunder’s a wonderful tool --- The sound makes you start to feel cool --- When the weather is hot --- And you wish it were not, --- We’ll hope that the sky starts to drool. BOX Q
And that was it ---- until we realized we had forgotten something, which we took care of in August under PERSONALS:
BOX Q WISHES TO ANNOUNCE that all its Departments, including Psychological Research, Scientific Weight Control, Theological Study, Human Interaction Analyses, Nutritional Research, the Chemical Division, the Typing Service, the Scientific Labs, and the Tribe of Wandering Gypsies, may now take their vacations. We’ll resume work whenever. Will the last one out please turn off the lights?