Though it’s hard to believe, no one seemed to feel endangered enough to need our equipment.
Box Q enjoyed making SPECIAL OFFERs, so it followed with another one.
SPECIAL OFFER TO RESIDENTS OF MAIN STREET IN RESERVE! An enterprising young firm has been collecting and storing the dirt that blows during our dry periods. Object is to allow dirt purchasers to sprinkle their own dirt into mud holes that occur during our wet periods. Return your own dirt to your own land! Our warehouses are overflowing. All dirt guaranteed to be from Main Street. Prices available from Box Q. Quantity discount.
And by mid-November, the cold early mornings and nights inspired the following ad under
FOR RENT:
RENT A CRICKET! Cold weather causes us to keep our fires going, and nothing is more homey than a cricket singing on the hearth. Any old cricket can do the "chirp-chirp" bit, but how about one who’ll do 6 choruses of "Me and my Shadow"? All crickets know all the words to their specialty songs. Choice of opera, rock ‘n roll, or Willie Nelson tunes. Special rates this month only for Barber-shop quartets. Contact Box Q.
That classic was followed by another.
MISCELLANEOUS:
BATS UNLIMITED NOW HOLDING ANNUAL MEMBERSHIP DRIVE. We are an equal opportunity organization, and accept fat bats, old bats, ding-bats, and major league bats. Don’t spend the winter alone. We have a lovely warm cave where you can hang around with us. Special parties planned for holiday season. Also we offer therapy for all who have problem of blood rushing to their heads. Fang sharpening service available. Swoop by Box Q.
It was time to be getting ready for Christmas, so Box Q placed the following ad under PERSONALS:
DON’T FORGET THE UPCOMING MEETING OF GROUCHES ANONYMOUS. Traditional December meeting where we say dirty words about the fat guy in the red suit, the reindeer droppings left on our roofs, the same old dumb music played year after year, how all the relatives are trying to gouge us for expensive presents, and other seasonal subjects. Usual refreshments of vinegar and bread crumbs will be served. Contact Box Q for time and place.
One thing that could always be depended upon was that Box Q couldn’t go more than a couple of weeks without trying to get some money, so for December what could be better than the following MISCELLANEOUS ad?
DON’T DECORATE YOUR TREE WITH THE SAME OLD STUFF ! "Dec-A-Tree" offers kits with unusual items to spruce up your holiday look. Kit "A" ($24.95) includes bicycle tires, light bulbs, cheese pizza, mud, and long johns. Kit "B" ($37.25) has car batteries (12 volt), grass cuttings, pickles, rocks, open-faced steak sandwiches, and 1’ X 12’s (fir). Have the best looking tree in your neighborhood! "Dec-A-Tree" is a subsidiary company of Box Q.
Well, nobody ordered a kit, so another seasonal offering seemed in order. Under PERSONALS:
I ,DEBORAH CHRISTMAS, WOULD LIKE TO PROTEST the publicity you all give to my younger sister, Mary. With everyone repeating her name constantly (Mary Christmas! Mary Christmas!), it’s no wonder the kid won’t settle down to just one fellow. If you’d just start saying "Marry Deborah Christmas", maybe I could get a man. Box Q is assisting me in seeking to right this injustice.
For the issue of December 23rd, we pulled out all the stops (for all the good it did).
PERSONALS:
BOX Q WISHES EACH OF YOU A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON, but also wishes to remind you that in the past year, nobody sent us a Mercedes, money, apples, or cobwebs. You didn’t buy our camel, our catalogs, dirt, or even the hot dogs. Are we dealing with a bunch of cynics out there? Make up for it now! Send your check for $1000 to Box Q. You’ll be glad you did.
And since Christmas is always followed by New Year’s Eve, there had to be a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
BY POPULAR DEMAND We are hereby printing the famous "Box Q Hangover Cure". Guaranteed to work. Obtain a large rock ---1/2 the size of yourself. Place it on a table. Stand very close to the table. Have a friend push the rock off the table and onto you. Follow with 12—14 hours of unconsciousness. When you wake up, you will not have a hangover. Happy New Year from Box Q.
Shortly before the end of the year, the Reserve area had experienced a three-day power outage. Three days without electricity is a long, long time. Unlike the majority of us, Box Q had used that time to good advantage, and was able to place the following ad:
SEAMSTRESS WANTED:
BOX Q SPENT THE TIME of the recent power outage teaching six ants to tap dance --- and they’re good! We are now in need of a seamstress who can make costumes with teensy-tiny stitches as top hats and tails will be required for production numbers. Also, does anyone have a termite that can play the piano?
By now, it was time to try again for money. FOR SALE:
BOX Q ANNOUNCES A REVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH! Our scientific labs are just completing details on The Enlarger. Point this hand-held wonder at any item, push the button, and the magic rays will increase it. Change $1 bills into $100s! Turn toy Mercedes into full size cars! Enlarge your house! Orders being taken now for first production run expected in near future. Deposits of only $500 will secure your order. Send your money today! Warning: Does not work on human body parts.
Since no money was forthcoming, it was time for an observation. PERSONALS:
BOX Q HAS CONSIDERED ALL THE EVIDENCE, and has come to the conclusion that winter stinks. First, it’s snow, which turns into mud, which turns into dust, which turns into housework. Yuck!
Somebody offered a course on weaving in the classifieds which made Box Q realize that it had never placed an ad under COURSES OFFERED, so that was quickly rectified.
AT LAST! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TRIED MANY THINGS AND ALWAYS FAILED, Box Q offers a revolutionary method to turn your life around. Take our "Failure is My Goal" course. We’ll help you to strive for failure through a combination of biofeedback, hypnosis and electric shock treatments. There’s no way to lose. If you succeed at failing, you’ve reached your goal --- If you flunk failure, you’ve succeeded in a different way. Only $37.14 for 6 week course. Classes start in mid-February. Sign up now!
By now, the Classified page was the most crowded of the entire newspaper, and with Valentine’s Day coming up, it was even more so than usual. Still, Box Q muscled it’s way in for a long ad under the heading of NEW PRODUCT:
Box Q announces availability of secret weapon. At last, there is a way to control persons who can’t stop talking. The Box Q Scientific Labs have perfected "Dummy Up". Looks like a fountain pen, but when you encounter someone who will not shut up, simply point Dummy Up at mouth of offender (within five-foot range), push button, and low-grade gamma rays render mouth immobile for 5 minutes --- giving you time to get away. Dummy Up is worth a million, but we’ll sell you one for only $17.26. Does not work on Mothers-in-law.
Apparently though, all the mushy stuff in the paper’s classifieds the previous week made Box Q realize there was money to be made by promoting romance. PERSONALS:
ARE YOU LONELY? LET BOX Q put you in touch with an ideal mate! Our selection of dream girls/boys includes blondes, brunettes (nobody could love a redhead), tall, short, fat, skinny, you name it – we got it. All dreamboats offered are well behaved, willing to take orders, and completely loyal. Send $4000 to Box Q and state size, sex, and color preference. Batteries not included.
The following week, we got a letter:
Dear Box Q,
Have sold so many orders for "Dummy Up" would like to purchase franchise for Sarasota, Florida. Where do I forward money?
Your friends,
C. and B. Sarasota, Florida
That was a real moment of excitement, to think that someone was reading Box Q in Florida. Still, it didn’t help Box Q’s attitude.
PERSONALS:
Box Q is feeling grouchy. This is simply reaction caused by smiling politicians trying to act charming (when we all know they’re not), and folks smiling back at the politicians when they’d rather say "Get lost!". Political years are the pits. Just think – After the Village election we have the June primary, and it will continue until November. Yuck!
By this time, it was mid-March, and Box Q had been in operation for almost a year, so it did an important PUBLIC NOTICE:
BOX Q WILL HAVE A BIRTHDAY in April. Plan ahead so your gift will be suitable. Following is a list of Box Q’s favorite things: Qash, Qontinentals, qountries, qastles, qorvettes, qarats (as in diamonds), qars, qattle, qathedrals, qamels, qake, qandy, qookies, qupquakes, and qompliments. All qontributions will be accepted --- even qats and qanaries.
Nobody sent a damn thing.
The following ads appeared under PERSONALS. Apparently, Box Q was as uninspired as everyone else by a winter that just would not go away.
BOX Q is sponsoring a world -wide movement to stamp out winter. Pass around a petition in your neighborhood urging your local government entity to pass a resolution banning snow, ice and other yucky stuff. Write to your Congressman! We need a federal law to control this menace. Imagine, after the law is enacted, green grass and sunshine all year long ---Hot Dawg!
.
POLITICIANS ALERT! Box Q, which always takes advantage of natural resources, has been saving mud which is now for sale to candidates of any political party. You’ll need it for ammunition if you’re involved in a mud-slinging campaign. Our mud has just the right percentage of clay to make it stick. Available in large, medium, or small splat sizes. Win your election by smearing your opponent. Discounts available for quantities of more than one dozen splats.
Finally Box Q came up with an ad that was more likely to stir a reader’s interest. The classification was SERVICES OFFERED, and there was a little black footprint on each side of the heading.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW about palm-reading, but do you know about sole-reading? The Box Q Department of Wandering Gypsies has perfected their method of predicting your future by reading your sole. Examination of the foot enables us to project available mileage, which we convert into years of life. We can also tell if you’ll walk in happiness, and in the shoes of the rich or the poor. Please wash feet, and be prepared to cross our palms with silver.
Then it was back to the PERSONALS again, but by this time it didn’t matter what heading was used. People always found Box Q, but it seemed that they read all of the classifieds because it had become a very lively section.
PROCLAMATION FROM BOX Q. WHEREAS, there are many MCPs in Catron County, and WHEREAS, this is wood-gathering season, and WHEREAS, these guys expect the old lady to load whatever size log they cut into the pickup, BE IT NOW RESOLVED that no female whose height is less than 5’6" and whole weight is less than 150 pounds shall be required to deal with any wood longer than 21 inches or more than 11 inches in diameter. THIS PROCLAMATION IS DECLARED AN EMERGENCY AND ALL PERSONS ARE EXPECTED TO BE IN COMPLIANCE WITHIN 5 DAYS.
ADOPT AN OYSTER. Box Q’s Marine Exploration Division has located a massive oyster bed in one of the oceans near the U.S. --- and they’re all lonely. For only $2.50 per month, you can sponsor one of these oysters and see that it receives adequate food and cultural training. Send your money, and we’ll send you a picture of your oyster and tell you where it can be found if you should care to visit. Just think! Yours might have a pearl!
ARE YOU TIRED OF THE REDHEAD IN YOUR LIFE? Box Q can help! Once again, our scientific labs have achieved a remarkable breakthrough allowing us to eliminate a problem that has plagued mankind for centuries. You call us, we'll come in and zap 'em --- leaving only the freckles. And we'll even buy the freckles from you (payment by the pound). We're developing a world-wide promotion of using dyed freckles instead of confetti. After all, a redhead must be good for something.
The issue of June 16th, 1988 marked a real achievement for Box Q. There were so many ads on the Classified page that there was no room for Box Q. The reward was a place of honor on the second page of the paper (usually our paper had 16 pages) with Box Q set off in a large space --- 5 inches wide and 3 ½ inches high --- with an attractive border. The words "BOX Q" were in very large type, with the following ad below them:
All your life you’ve heard "Don’t squish the bread" and that’s right --- Bread hates to be squished. But Box Q’s Nutritional Department has determined that bread loves to be hugged. Hugging releases an enzyme in the bread that improves flavor and preserves freshness. So don’t be shy --- Give your loaf a gentle hug frequently. Care must be exercised with individual slices. This is a public service announcement from Box Q.
Below the words was a picture of a loaf of French bread.
I’ll never know whether or not anyone recognized the ad as Box Q’s wise-guy response to all the "Have you hugged your kid today?" ads appearing at that time. The next week under PERSONALS :
ALRIGHT ALREADY! Since last week’s announcement of bread hugging, Box Q has been smothered by special interest groups lobbying to get their own product treated with affection. Here’s a reminder of things that need a display of caring on your part. HAVE YOU HUGGED your Popsicle … your tractor tire … your macaroni and cheese boxes … your thermostat … your quilt scraps … your ring-gear and pinion …your scuba gear … your hummingbirds … your tuna sandwich … or your cactus TODAY? P.S. Dead fish need love too.
By this time it seemed that the boss wasn’t going to get upset over the amount of room needed for any Box Q ad, so there was another long one.
HOUSEHOLD HINTS FROM BOX Q. Paint your walls and ceiling black, then you don’t have to wash them. *** If you sleep with your clothes and shoes on, you don’t have to waste time dressing in the morning. *** Pour liquid Jello on your floors. It makes them smell good and look shiny. Not recommended in cold weather. *** If you have trouble getting out of a particular chair, cover the seat with banana peels. *** Borrow a dog to lick your dishes clean. Better yet, eat out. *** Fry chicken in Vitamin E oil. It’s good for the skin. *** Shave your head and eliminate the cost of shampoo, conditioner, haircuts, permanents, curling irons, hair spray and clippies. *** Hard erasers may be reconditioned by soaking in denture cleaner. *** If the children are too loud, stuff your ears full of Rice Krispies. *** And finally, a word to the wise … people who don’t have windows don’t have to wash them.
And then:
BOX Q would like to take you for a hot air balloon ride. We’ve built the balloon and a great big basket to carry us all. All that we lack is the hot air to get us off the ground. Would any of our political candidates care to donate?
Next, was an ad under PERSONALS:
CONSTRUCTION PROJECT? Hire the Box Q Construction Crew! These little guys are termites, and have been trained to read blueprints. Just lay your lumber around at the construction site, and overnight, our crew will drill holes for the nails to go through. Wages for entire crew will be less than for the carpenter you won’t need. Owner must supply hard-hats for all crew members.
And the following week under the same classification:
A little limerick from Box Q. If you march to a different drummer – You should have time off in the summer – I’ll tell you, my dear – Doing Box Q all year – By August is really a bummer.
And again:
Box Q is currently into limericks; Please bear with us. If your hair is a shade that’s called red --- We don’t really wish you’d drop dead --- If we wait till you’re old, --- And we’re lucky, we’re told, --- It all will fall out of your head.
But then (Hooray!) we came up with something different (and a personal favorite of mine).
MISCELLANEOUS: (Dated August 18th)
EVER HELPFUL BOX Q has come up with a list of things to do with an over abundance of zucchini. (1) Paint them speckled brown and sell them to tourists as sausages. (2) Carve into ships and place in bottles. (3) Scoop out insides and carve into slippers. (4) Cut in half length-wise, insert long cactus spines from back – use as hairbrush. (5) Pare in continuous peel, as apple. Dry, and use as Christmas ornament. (6) Mush up the insides and use to chink up holes in your cabin. For large holes, use entire zucchini. (7) Paint them brown, and tie into large bundles. Sell them in Arizona as firewood.
Followed by:
YOU’LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW the Catron County Penguin Team won the pole-vaulting competition at the Olympics. Unfortunately, it was only televised for a short period --- in black and white. Now we need to raise money to get these little fellows home. Send gobs of money to Box Q. We’ll take care of the details. Trust us.
This was followed by the ad which began this collection of silliness. The one about the Vegetarian vote.
But all too soon, Fall came around again.
The mornings are starting to frost – Soon warm summer days will be lost – When the weather is bad,-- We think you’ll be glad – For the wood in your pickup you’ve toss’t.
But in the same week, there was another ad placed by an unnamed party:
TO V.S. & E.J. Congratulations on your performances. Am currently waiting for quotes from Box Q re: frontal lobotomy and/or sex change. Sour Grapes.
Frontal lobotomy? Sex change? Hmm, never considered that.
And in the same issue, this wonderful letter from another state:
Dear Box Q,
We can’t tell you how delighted we were to read about the Catron County Penguin Team.
What would we do without Box Q?
Life would be duller.
Please accept this small contribution to help bring the little fellers home.
Sincerely,
Avid Reader
(Enclosed was a Mexican 50 centavos piece)
The next week was so easy. Didn’t even have to think.
DEAR SOUR GRAPES, In response to your inquiry to Box Q --- Honesty requires admission of the fact that we’ve not yet performed a frontal lobotomy. However, we’re confident of our capabilities using an ice-cream scoop and a delicate touch. Special first-customer price: $12.95. Sex change operations cost a bit more. Are we talking M to F, or F to M? We do both, using parts saved from previous operations. For you only, $34.50 either way. Includes hospitalization.
Following, under MISCELLANEOUS
LET’S GET AWAY FROM IT ALL! The Box Q Travel Service has arranged a short cruise to Never-Never land, where (Hot Dog!) there ain’t no politicians. There also ain’t no telephone, no mail, no doors to knock on --- but who cares? There ain’t no politicians! We’ll leave right away and come back on Nov. 9th, when the current insanity is over. Contact Box Q for price.
Finally, on the 10th:
BOX Q WOULD LIKE TO OFFER the following as an early Thanksgiving reminder: We have many precious blessings --- Our lives are filled with clover.--- But best of all, we’re grateful that --- The election’s finally over!
So mid-November, this was most appropriate.
BOX Q HAS HAD IT! Some rotten, uncaring and uncouth person has said the dirty "s" word, and offended those of us with any sensitivity whatsoever. Yes, it’s a four-letter word, and decent people don’t even think it. Yep, it has an "n" and ends with a "w", and on Monday night we had a skiff of it. Thanks a lot, creep! If you’d kept your mouth shut, it might not have happened.
Then we had a great one (written by another staff member while I was away):
BOX Q wishes you all a Happy Thanksgiving, you turkeys!
On the first of December:
THE HEAD GROUCH is calling a meeting of Grouches Anonymous on whatever day the rest of you creeps can get it together. People are still smiling about election results, happy Thanksgivings, and now it’s time for the deck-the-halls bit. Let’s discuss taxes, the price of anti-freeze, the Forest Service, and Dan Quayle. That oughta keep us properly grumpy. Arrange meeting through Box Q.
Under SPECIAL OFFER:
BOX Q would like to sell you some choice beach-front property in the Bahamas. We’ll fly you there to experience the warm sand and constant ambient temperature of 70 degrees. Just send all your money to Box Q and we’ll contact you to make arrangements. Please! Box Q is getting tired of making offers that you never trust. What’s wrong with you guys?
The following week, Box Q got a special heading all it’s own. A TIMELY REMINDER
It is not easy being Box Q and having something in the paper to amuse or inform you every week --- Besides, you guys never fall for anything that would bring in a little money. Be nice! Share the Christmas spirit! Send your declarations of love – or better yet, cash – to Box Q now! Remember, even weird boxes need love.
On December 22, Box Q presented A CHRISTMAS POEM
BOX Q is as glad as can be --- With presents all under my tree. --- You guys never share --- So to prove I don’t care, --- I bought lots of real stuff for me!
On December 29th, we turned a new leaf. NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION FROM BOX Q:
BOX Q hereby promises that in the upcoming year, it will no longer come up with promotional schemes to try to fleece readers out of their hard-earned money. From now on, if you read it here, it’s legit, and you can feel confident about sending cash --- no checks. Trust us. P.S. Happy New Year.
However, on January 5th, we had CONTRIBUTIONS SOLICITED:
HOW’S THIS FOR SOUNDING SINCERE AND TRUSTWORTHY? Box Q is soliciting funds to assist in buying heaters to keep the northern waters of the world unfrozen, thereby eliminating the possibility of any more whales being trapped by the ice. That many gallons of water will require very large heaters, so we need all the money we can get. We also accept pennies from school children. Send everything you have to Box Q.
Under MEETINGS CALLED:
We sure need to raise a big fuss --- Us Grouches all A-non-y-mous. --- The time is now ripe --- To air every gripe --- So let’s get together and cuss.
It was time for a PERSONALS ad:
BOX Q is inclined to be picky --- We insult redheads ‘cause we’re tricky --- They’re starting to smile, --- Ain’t been zapped for a while --- So here’s one – We still think you’re icky.
GET NEXT SECTION